The Meaning of Despair
by 1991Kira
Summary: Shepard thought she could take anything the Reapers threw at her. But what'll happen when she's forced to fight someone from her past who represents her greatest failure, and her greatest regret? ME3 AU One-shot. Dark. Mentions of Shakarian.


The first thing she felt as she regained consciousness was pain.

Commander Shepard was no stranger to pain.

She had been shot, stabbed and burned more times than she could count. She had survived the worst of the worst during her training for the ICT program, which was severe enough to actually _kill_ most people. She'd survived the agony of losing the man she loved in the most desperate battle of her life.

She'd even been spaced, for God's sake!

But none of that could compare to this.

Maybe it was the agony of lying on a cold, hard metal bed with a broken spine, maybe it was the despair of seeing the thrice-damned Cerberus symbol on the walls of the dimly lit room...

...or maybe it was _him_. The man responsible for her capture.

"Welcome back to the land of the living, Commander."

Slowly, painfully, she turned her head to look at to look her captor in the eye. His blue visor glowed brightly in the dim light of the room, as he took a seat beside her.

 _Garrus Vakarian._

 _No._ She clenched her fists. This wasn't Garrus. This wasn't _her_ Garrus.

Garrus Vakarian, her best friend and the man she had loved, was dead. He had died on the Collector Base, valiantly defending her and her team from the onslaught of the Collector forces.

But one single mistake on her part, her decision to hand over the Collector Base to Cerberus in hopes of gaining an edge over the Reapers, had cost her _everything_.

Cerberus had lied to her. Cerberus had used the technology they found on the base to create a twisted army and further their own agenda. Cerberus had recovered her lover's body from the base and stuffed it full of Reaper tech, turning the man she loved into this... _abomination_ that fought in the name of the Reapers.

 _Just like Saren._

She shook herself mentally. This was how the Reapers fought, psychological warfare at its finest. They were trying to break her.

She wasn't going to give them the satisfaction.

"Where am I?" she rasped, her throat parched from thirst.

"Home." He got up and walked towards a section of the wall, a one-way mirror no doubt. "Where I learnt the true meaning of despair...as will you."

"Why not just kill me?" Shepard asked, feeling slightly bolder.

Garrus chuckled softly, "Yes, I suppose it would certainly be more efficient to just kill you, wouldn't it?" It was a sound that once filled her with warmth, now it just made her sick. "The fate of the galaxy itself resting on your shoulders. What would everyone do without the great Commander Shepard to guide them in this time? No doubt the sight of your mangled corpse would be enough to destroy whatever fighting spirit this pathetic galaxy has left, wouldn't it, Shepard?"

He walked towards her. "Unfortunately, my employer has other plans for you."

"Your employer?" Shepard gave a weak chuckle. "Illusive Man still unhappy I gave him the finger on Mars?"

He smirked at her. "The Illusive Man is merely a pawn, Shepard. I don't answer to him, it's the other way around in fact."

"No," he continued, ignoring her shocked look of surprise, "I'm not working for Cerberus, Commander. My employer is someone else entirely. I believe you're well acquainted with him. He goes by the name...Harbinger."

 _Harbinger._ The name sent a cold wave of fear through her body.

Harbinger was controlling Garrus! He was behind this, behind all of this. The ancient Reaper had played her perfectly: pitting her against Cerberus, using Garrus to weaken her resolv...

She remembered his words back on the Project Base. They had seemed so prophetic back then. _**Your time will come, Shepard.**_

She could practically hear them as she shut her eyes.

"You see," Garrus practically purred. "My employer believes, and I agree with him, that you don't fear death. You welcome it." His sharp gaze locked onto her eyes. "Your punishment must be more severe."

"So...so, torture then?" she asked, struggling to fight back tears.

"Yes," a sharp talon slowly stroking her cheek. "But, not of your body." He flicked his omni-tool at the wall and a number of screens flared to life. "But of your soul."

Shepard struggled to focus on her eyes on the monitors before her, the cacophony of images and sounds assaulting her senses. She slowly realized what she was looking at.

Earth. Palaven. Thessia. Sur'Kesh.

Live footage of the Reapers' slaughter of the galaxy's biggest home worlds. The deaths of thousands of soldiers and 'fighters as they waged a valiant but futile battle against the Reaper's ground forces.

"I learned here, in this very facility, that there can be no true despair without hope. So, as we terrorize the galaxy, we will feed its people hope to poison their souls. We will let them believe they can survive so you can watch them clamoring over each other to 'stay in the sun'." Another flick of his omni-tool and the images changed, showing the Citadel wards, where refugees were squatting by the thousands. Men, women, children...innocents lining up for food and other necessities. At the same time, there was a huge line elsewhere full of people volunteering to fight on the front lines. Holograms of recruitment posters floated all over the Citadel, requesting people to fight on the front lines or serve as medics. A very familiar image was plastered over the posters... _her_ image.

Garrus turned to her, smirking openly now. "You can watch us torture an entire galaxy, Shepard." He moved closer. "And when you have fully understood the depth of you failure, I will have fulfilled my new destiny...I will help the galaxy achieve its salvation...and when it is done and everything is _ashes..._ then you have my permission to die."

"Garrus, please..." Shepard was openly weeping now. "This isn't you! The Reapers are _using_ you! Please, Garrus..."

He merely laughed at her. " _Using_ me? You mean just like _you_ used me, Shepard?"

This brought her up short. "Wha...? Garrus, I never...?"

" _Never what?_ " he snarled. "Never what, Shepard? Used me? Betrayed me?" He shook his head, glaring at her. "You used me as well, Shepard. Just like everyone else. I was a _tool_ for you, used and cast aside as soon as you were done."

"You stopped me from killing Sidonis. You gave me some crap about doing it because you loved me, used me to warm your bed and then….then you left me behind to _die_ on the Collector Base!"

"No," Shepard gasped in horror. "Garrus...I never wanted you to..."

"Don't lie to me, Shepard!" he screamed, his cybernetic eyes glowing with unbridled hatred. "I begged you to take me with you, I begged you to let me keep watching your six like I always had. But you wouldn't have any of it! You forced me to lead the distraction team, and look where it got me!"

He smirked at her viciously. "Or rather, look where it got _**you**_."

"Garrus..."

"This all _your_ fault, Shepard. All of it. If you hadn't interfered, this cycle would have ended much faster, it might have even been painless. We would all have achieved true ascension by now if not for _your_ meddling."

"Garrus..."

"But thanks to you, the Reapers are not going to take it easy on us. They are going to tear this galaxy apart, _piece by piece_ , with the utter annihilation of all organics continuing well into the next century. They're going to make an _example_ of us, Shepard; an example of what happens when someone tries to defy the inevitable. And this is all _your_ fault."

He loomed over her, teeth bared in a wicked grin. "And you, my dear Commander, will get to witness _all_ of it!"

"Garrus, please..."

"Garrus Vakarian is dead, Commander," he said coldly. "There is only _Archangel_ , now. Goodbye, Commander Shepard." He left the room.

Shepard screamed.

She screamed in anguish and pain as she watched the galaxy she fought so hard to save be laid to waste, she screamed in despair as the man she loved truly died before her, she screamed in desperation for God, some entity, anybody out there to stop the reapers; she screamed as she begged for her friends to rescue her, to put her out of her misery...

 _Liara, Tali, Ashley, Joker, EDI, Vega...someone, anyone...I'm so sorry..._

The silence was her only answer.

* * *

 **AN: Yeah, pretty screwed up, I know.  
**

 **Clarification: The basic premise is that Garrus, Shepard's LI, was killed during the Suicide mission. However, since this Shepard chose to hand over the collector base to Cerberus, they were able to recover Garrus' body and revived him using Reaper tech, possibly to use him as a weapon against Shepard. Unfortunately, Cerberus' experimentation using Reaper tech caused them to be taken over by the Reapers, who proceeded to indoctrinate Garrus and put him on the front lines against Shepard.**

 **This story is a one-shot for now, but depending on the response I get I may make this a full-fledged story.**

 **Please note, however, that this will NOT be a Shakarian fic. Garrus isn't going to magically regain his senses, no "power of love" yada yada nonsense.**

 **It's gonna be Shepard vs Vakarian *evil laughter*  
**


End file.
